Dan the Man



   Normally when an individual has the option to choose someone to spend a day with if it was the others last, it would be about someone who they have come to know over years like a parent, friend, or family member. However, if I could choose anyone in this world to spend one day with, it would be the boy I never got a chance to meet; Daniel Robert Hoyt. Now it may seem weird that I would want to spend a day with someone I have never even met before but, it would be so important for me to be able to meet Dan. For over two years I have only seen pictures and heard many memories about him. The reason I want so badly meet Dan is because he is a part of my life. I think about him everyday, see pictures of him, made a quilt out of his clothing, made a painting of him, and I have even cried over his death from time to time. It may seem hard to believe that a person can mourn over another’s death when they don’t even know them but, in as many ways as I can, I try to know who he was. I love Dan even though I had the unfortunate timing of coming into his families life just a few days too late.
   On the day of November 17, 2008, was the day that Daniel Hoyt went to be with the Lord. From what I know about him, he was funny, smart, and adored by everyone who knew him. Unfortunately Dan was born with Spinal Muscular Atrophy, type two, and eventually killed him at nineteen years old. This disease caused the loss of the use of all his muscles, which meant that he could not walk, stand, roll over, crawl, swallow, and even use his arms fully for they eventually were effected by this. Being in a wheel chair and having limitations did not stop Dan. He was always with friends and family who cared and loved him deeply. I know this because I see how affected his family and friends were and still are to this day over his death. I can only imagine what would have happened if I had gotten to meet him. I wonder if he would love me back, just as I’ve loved him without ever truly knowing him.
   The one and only day I got to see Dan alive, I was at church. I saw my crush at the time (who is now my best friend and boyfriend) sitting with someone who was in a wheel chair. I kept starring at the two of them because I had this feeling in my chest, which lasted well over an hour, that I just could not get rid of. With a tug in my heart, something kept telling me, almost forcing me to go meet this guy I had never seen before. It was a feeling I wish I would have followed because I chickened out that night. I didn’t want to seem like a fool. To this day I think about what could have happened that night if I had only followed my gut because only a week or two later, he passed away. “All his beauty, wit and grace lie forever in one place. He who sang and sprang and moved Now in death, is only loved.” (Alice Thomas Ellis). Dan can now only be loved by me in his death. Although, I want to be able to love him in his life, it can now only be done, unfortunately, in his death.
   The time around his death, I was growing closer and closer to his best friend and brother Nate. I knew something was wrong with Nate’s brother but didn’t put together who the boy in the wheel chair was. When I realized what happened to Dan, I knew I needed to be a support system for Nate at the wake and funeral. Those two days changed my life forever. Without knowing it, Dan brought Nate and I together for an amazing two years and hopefully a lifetime.
   One day with Dan would be a blessing. If it was possible, I would do whatever he would want to do. I would take him on a walk in the park with all of his family and friends, blasting 50 cent in the car on the way there and just driving for the fun of the laughs. We could play video games all night and eat tacos. I would hug him in my arms and give him that kiss I’ve always wanted to give him. I would talk to him and get to know him, and him get to know me. I am always told how much he would love me if he ever knew me. I wish I could really see it though. A perfect day with Dan would really be any day spent with him. It would be perfect no matter what because he would be here with his family and I.
   If there is anyone in the world who I could spend one last day with, it would be the boy in the wheel chair; the one who brought me together with amazing, loving people, and the one who most definitely changed my life forever.

                                                                         

                                                       ~ A Song For Dan~

<3

I am not I and you are not you

In most religions and societies, the people believe in what is seen and what their faith is. However, it seems to me as though the Zen attitude towards it’s religion and anything regarding death there is no answer. This I can understand because some people do not know any answers about death except the fact that a person is born and then dies after a long or short life. But, the Zen attitude is more along the lines of believing in nothing. It seems to me that the Buddhists and those who believe in Zen that they do not have any beliefs or that their belief is nothing. This is because they are constantly contradicting themselves saying things like “there is no place where nothing is born and nothing dies and that we need not see each other at all” (67 sacred art). That quote was stated in The Sacred Art of Dying when someone was saying goodbye to fellow Buddhists, he states that he will see them where everything is born and dies. That is then when the man he speaks to corrects what he says. But to me this is somewhat silly to think. If nothing dies and nothing is born in the nowhere place, where do we come from? What is this religion really based on? Maybe it could have been just a child rambling on about nothing, because that’s what it seems like. I do not want to sound like I am bashing a religion. However, I just simply do not get how they can believe that no one is born anywhere and no one dies. It would be nice if no one died because all my loved ones would still be with me today. Their religion and Zen attitude may just be to protect themselves, to keep them from being sad in a world that is always and constantly a disappointment.
Within the reading I did notice something I liked however. A quote on page 63 that says “I am I, and I am you, and I am not I. In this mode of awareness, there is no struggle between life and death, for one is both fully alive (I am I and I am you) and fully dead ( I am not I) at the same time”. This quote strikes me as quite amusing. This is because this person is completely not only contradicting himself, but is also seeming to avoid death as a whole. Know that they will live through another and while that person is really dead with their body, the person they say they will live through is still living. They are saying that they are not themselves, that they are everyone. I like this even though it is a bit weird to me. If you are not yourself you are constantly knowing what other people feel, it’s as if you can be and do anything you want to in a world that is nothing. Which is ultimately true, this world will someday be nothing to me and to the others who also die. This is because when we die we leave everything behind. But, this is my point of view and what I believe. Someone with a Zen attitude would say that what they work for in this world is to die a death they have already died (which is a never ending circle) that what they did in life can live through those they “are” and live through once their body is actually dead.

Leo Paul

The morning of February 21, 2008 began like any other day. It was sunny out as the snow began to melt while I was on my school vacation. Unfortunately, I had a small cold and was stuck inside the house all day. I was supposed to have slept over my dad’s house the night before (like I did on every Wednesday), but I was just not up to it. I was disappointed I did not get to see my dad but I knew I would see him the next day or possibly he would even stop by my house to see me. I would not understand until months later that there was a reason I was sick that night and could not make it to my dads house. That reason was the worst thing that could have possibly happened to me in my entire life. At fifteen years old, I lost the one man I knew as Daddy.
All day that Thursday, I was trying to prepare myself for dance class later that night; drinking as much juice and medicine as I could to rid my cold for good. I did not realize that my dad hadn’t called me until about five o’clock after my brother Andy called my mom saying his car broke down on the highway. My mom told him everything would be fine that she would call my dad to go get him. Strangely, there was no answer. This was a big shock because my dad always answered his phone. No matter where he was, what he was doing, he never missed a call. If he did happen to miss a call, all anyone ever had to do was wait five more minutes and he would call right back; and if they didn’t answer, you could expect five more calls until you did.
Ever since I was a young girl, I always knew my dad would possibly pass on before most of my friends. He was an older father, having me when he was fifty two, and he also struggled with his weight for years. He went to the gym and exercised with me every other day of the week and had this diet shake he always drank that a doctor gave him to reduce meal sizes. Unfortunately that was not enough. I always knew in the back of my mind that I would loose him and it scared me. I would cry in the car sitting next to him thinking about the day he would die and praying that it wouldn’t be anytime soon. Always worrying about my dad was not a healthy thing for me to do “Life’s too short for worrying. Yes that’s what I’m worried about” ( But I knew that night something terrible happened, I could feel it in my heart.
As my mom, Andy, and I tried to call him, after about a half hour my mom finally said she would have to go get him and wait for triple A to pick up his car. Once six-thirty rolled around I called my mom. I told her there was no calls from daddy and that I continued to try (hoping that he threw his phone in the trash at McDonald’s again). She decided that they would stop by my dad’s house on the way home. I was still planning on going to my dance class at seven so when I called her back she wasn’t answering either. I immediately started worrying because I called Andy and there was no answer. The first thought in my mind was that something was wrong.
After about two hours of endless calls to my brother and parents, my mom and Andy finally came home. I was laying on the couch watching some stupid reality TV show when I noticed my mom’s eyes were all red with mascara running down her face. Then I looked at Andy, he would not look me in the eyes, just walked into the kitchen without a word. I also noticed his face was beat red. I was running all these thoughts into my mind about what could have happened. Maybe my mom and Andy had a fight like always and his face was red because of his screaming and it made my mom cry; or even he was crying and upset over his car dying. As those thoughts ran through my head, I looked in the reflection of a glass bookcase sitting in the living room. It showed the kitchen table and my mom and Andy standing over it whispering to each other. Then and there I knew something had happened to my daddy. They both came into the living room. My mom sat at my feet and my brother on another chair. My mom told me to sit up so she could talk to me. And as I starting sitting up, it hit me. Crying uncontrollably as I sat up, she didn’t need to say anything, I already knew what she was going to say. My brother came and sat on the other side of me while we all hugged each other and cried.
The rest of that night was a blur. Family members came in and out; trying to comfort us and be there for anything we needed. I went to bed early in my mom’s bed after a long hot shower. When I woke up, my mom was standing over me and asked me if I knew what happened was real, and that it was not a dream. I wanted everything that happened the night before to be fake and just a dream. It wasn’t and I was crushed. That day more and more people came over to comfort me. I didn’t cry much because I was in shock. Not knowing what to do with myself, I went in my room and cleaned. The worst thing I had to do was call my best friend Zhanna and tell her the bad news. She knew my dad well because he always took us everywhere and constantly called her Zenon. When she picked up and found out it was me, she started joking around at how I wasn’t at dance the night before. Without saying a word, I broke down. She heard my sobs and asked me what was going on. Finally in a high pitched voice, I said “My dad died”. She was speechless and having no words to really comfort me, for she had never known anyone who died, all she could do was say how sorry she was. That seemed to be the word everyone said, “I’m so sorry” and I would just roll my eyes and say “ya me too”. There wasn’t much anyone could say to me to help me through this tough time. The only thing that helped me was God. I prayed all the time and continued to go to my church’s youth group who supported me through everything and because I had died a “spiritual death“(Kramer). I was more comforted when my three older sisters from California finally arrived at my house about five days later. They all have children, one of my sisters is even a grandma, making me a great aunt and my dad a great grandpa. They were all from my dad’s previous marriage which meant I was the baby of six. But we always knew no matter what we were blood and that we would never stop loving each other. Our dad’s death only made us stronger and closer together.
My dad’s death happened three years ago. I was fifteen years old and he was sixty eight years young. It was the worst day of my life; the day my daddy died, and as a daddy’s girl, I was crushed, and still am. I never show my emotions about anything with him because I want to be strong for my family. However, “
To this day I still hide everything. I don’t want to think about my loss, not only because I loved him more than any other man, but because I’m afraid of forgetting the little things I loved about him. He will always be in my heart; forever and always.
　Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”(death and dying) and some may say that I could be dying inside from my loss, but I cope with my dad in my own ways.　

　

　
　
　
　
　
　
　
Cites
Kramer, Kenneth. Mahway, New Jersey: Paulist, 1988. Print.
Enright, D. J. The Oxford Book of Death. Oxford [Oxfordshire: Oxford UP, 1983. Print.
"Death and Dying Quotes." Find the Famous Quotes You Need, ThinkExist.com Quotations. 1999. Web. 25 Feb. 2011. <http://thinkexist.com/quotations/death_and_dying/>.